¡Perro Caliente! (Hot Dog!)

It's Tuesday and the Spanish drudgery rolls on.

We're all feeling somewhat disillusioned by Javier's teaching methods.
Especially since his return from Spain.
He just can't seem to get us excited about anything.
And as a group we appear to have lost the will to vivir.

Added to which, he has the rather annoying habit of repeating the same snippets of advice in every session.
It's really starting to grate.
He tells us how important it is to be working on the exercises in the text book.
Noted.
He tells us not to be afraid to make mistakes in pronunciation.
Uh huh.
He tells us to get together in pairs in our own time and try speaking Spanish to each other.
As if that is ever going to happen.
And he tells us that a good way to get used to pronouncing Spanish words correctly is to read out loud.
'What? On the bus?' I blurt out in response to his last words of wisdom.
Because, you see, I think I'm hilarious.
Clearly no one else agrees with the high opinion I hold of myself.
Because it doesn't get a laugh.
Not one.
It doesn't rouse even the smallest of giggles.
And Javier's lips curl just enough to give the slightest hint of a snarl.
Despite the near imperceptibility of the expression, it absolutely could not be confused with a smirk.
'At least I got to him,' I think.

We turn to the next chapter of learning in our text book.
We are looking at celebrities and are about to explore words used to describe people.
Adjectives for both physical appearance and character traits.
On the page is a selection of famous people including Madonna, Penelope Cruz, Ronaldo (the Brazilian one), Antonio Banderas and Javier Bardem.
Mmmm...Javier Bardem.
I'm not quite sure how Madonna managed to wangle her way into a group of Hispanic personalities.
Especially given her Italian roots.
I decide it must be because of her 'Evita' role.
One of her finer acting performances.
Let's not go there.

Javier poses us questions about the various individuals pictured.
When it's my turn, he asks me to describe Señor Bardem.
I have another tourettes moment.
'¡Muy caliente!' I announce in a full-blooded way.
I think I may have actually growled.
(Muy means 'very' and caliente means 'hot').
I've no idea if this literal translation works - I may well just have said that he's at the high end of warm - but I figure it's worth a stab.
And anyway, my vocality was spontaneous & involuntary.
I couldn't have controlled it if I'd wanted to.
Javier blushes at my comment and struggles to find the appropriate way to correct me.
I surmise I have made another error of judgement.
It's becoming a bit of a recurring theme in my student life.
'Well,' he says, 'you're right. You can use caliente to describe someone.'
'So why is he looking so downright uncomfortable?' I ask myself.
'But it doesn't mean, what I think you wanted to say. It doesn't mean 'sexy'.'
He's looking less and less comfortable as he approaches the point.
'It means - at least I think this is how you say it - 'horny'. As in 'I feel horny'.

Javier is the same age as me.
I know this because some cheeky whippersnapper had the gall to ask him the question - in Spanish of course - when we were covering that aspect of conversation in an earlier class.
But I don't feel the same age as him.
I feel at least 10 years younger.
And hearing him say 'I feel horny' is more than mildly disturbing to me.
It feels somehow inappropriate.
Verging on paedophilic.
Which is, of course, ridiculous given my advancing years.
But there's something about the teacher/student relationship that makes his words sound threatening and makes me feel strangely vulnerable.

My blushes compete with his and in this respect I am the undisputed winner.
He notices my embarrassment and in response his lips curl just enough to give the slightest hint of a smirk.
Despite the near imperceptibility of the expression, it absolutely could not be confused with a snarl.
He looks triumphant.
I can almost hear him thinking, 'At least I got to her.'

©Alacoque Doyle